Friday, February 15, 2013

We kicked this thing off with talk of Michael Jordan’s 50th birthday. What do ya get the man who, even in retirement, is clearing over $80 million a year? Personally, I’d go with a mustache trimmer & have him ditch the “Black Hitler” look. Bass, on the other hand, wants to lay MJ on a waterbed, give him an inner-thigh massage, while assuring him that returning to the league is a smart idea.

A few doozies from the Bass Quotebook: “Yeah, but guys… Michael Jordan isn’t even a human being.”

One more: “MJ’s determination makes him who he is.”

So, with that quote (and Michael’s determination), please join me in setting a calendar alert for Friday, October 18th. 8 months from today, Our guy Bass is CERTAIN that Jordan will be back on the NBA hardwood by that time.

Bass is the little kid who thinks the Undertaker is really dead. Bass – Michael Jordan is 50 and fat. He’d be lucky to score on Jackie Moon.

From there, we moved into the Douchebag Power Rankings:

  1. Heat Seeker: 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick. His new full body tribal tattoo screams “I’m from the Isle of Tonga,” while his bio says Fond du Lac, Wisconsin.
  2. The Russian Meteor + Bruce Willis (TIE). That meteor dropped an atomic bomb’s worth of power on Russia last night. Thankfully we avoided an all-out Armageddon. Which reminds us.. where was Bruce Willis and why didn’t he stop this thing? Answer: he was hammered on Jimmy Fallon’s couch.
  3. The anonymous prick at Sutherland’s Hardware in Harrisonville, Missouri who thanked a Good Samaritan for returning $1200 in cash by saying, “it better all be here.”
  4. South African Olympic Runner Oscar Pistorius. He cried his way through today’s arraignment, while proclaiming his innocence in the premeditated murder of his girlfriend. Dude doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
  5. Former San Diego Mayor & current Jack-in-the-Box Heiress Maureen O’Connor. It’s not so much that she lost over $1 billion in under 8 years playing video poker machines, but more that the money was from her dead husband’s charity.
  6. Duke Basketball fans. We hope that each of your dreams are haunted by every deceased grandmother in the history of mankind.

W. Kamau Bell, host of “Totally Biased” on FX, joined us live in-studio. A few highlights:

  • Within 30 seconds we learned that Kamau went to high school a few blocks from where Abe & Sam lived. He sorta trailed off when he said the name of his high school – LAB. As the name implies, they never won any wrestling sections. I don’t know anything about LAB, but when you consider that spending 45 minutes in any ROOM called Lab is the most boring, nerdy hell on earth.. multiply that by 45 classrooms X 1200 students X 4 years. Stephen Hawking would’ve book checked these kids.
  • We touched on his working relationship with Chris Rock. It’s strange; Chris is basically plunking millions & millions of dollars into backing Kamau’s career & TV show. Yet, for some reason, he won’t let Kamau have his phone number. This is honestly the basic plotline to a lot of murders.
  • We talked about Chubby Checker suing makers of a new app called Chubby Checker. It’s a parody program that allows women to check the size of her man’s chubby. I hate that I’m saying this.. but Chubby, sir, this is 2013. No one would download a Chubby Checker “Do the Twist” app anymore. The Twist is dead, man. And, tough as it may be to admit it, in its place is a digital dick ruler.
  • Kamau Bell Quotebook: “We’re in a strange time man. Humans are learning more than ever, but using it for a lot less.”
  • And finally, Kamau said what no one else would.. the Oscar Pistorius story is twice as sad because the chick was hot.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “If you go anywhere just to get a free bag of fries… you’re a real piece of shit.”

Diamond Dallas Page joined us live from his bustling temple of resurrection, days before some cop drops Scott Hall off on DDP’s front porch. Scott, who is perhaps the saddest old wrestler in history, will attempt to enroll himself in DDP’s renowned Yoga program. Which means that DDP’s health crew now includes Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts, a 615-pound guy named Slim & Mr. Belding. So DDP is either REALLY committed to helping these guys turn their lives around.. or he has a really screwed up sense of humor.

Dallas was the latest recipient of Abe’s newest obsession — turning every interview into a hype meeting about what TV channels they should approach about a reality show. “You should put it on OWN!” Abe.. he’s an old wrestler teaching a near corpse how to stand up straight.

Abe’s like Don King without any of the ability to make anything happen.

Riley, a prostitute from the Love Ranch South called in. And boy, she really made the most of that 37 minute wait on hold. We went to her and she told us to tell Howard hi. So.. hi Howard.

And finally, Abe showed us how to probably eulogize a human who has opted for euthanasia.

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