Friday, February 22, 2013

We kicked off the show with Abe all bent out of shape like a post-tour Willy Wonka. Sounded like he was fixin’ to read the riot act to Grandpa Joe & Charlie Bucket! … under section 37B of the contract signed by you, it states, quite clearly, that all broadcast callers shall become null & void if they do not contribute timely and topical conversation, so as not to de-rail the ongoing dialogue. It’s all there, black & white. Clear as crystal. You stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to washed & sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!

But seriously, when we’re talking about euthanasia, we’re not gonna take a call about how tasty the McRib is. Meanwhile… listener Alex, who originally sent the email asking why we never put him on, was heard muttering (in Grandpa Joe voice) “you’re a crook.”

From there, we jumped into South Africa’s OJ Simpson, Oscar Pistorious. Amid murder charges, ol’ blades bounced from custody on $100,000 bail, after the judge deemed him not a flight risk. It’s a ruling Abe simply can’t understand. Why? Abe Kanan Quotebook: “His boys can throw him in a bag of potatoes and load him on a boat.”

Abe – the guy is missing his shins and feet. He’s not a carry-on. I think you’re confusing him with Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I feel so bad for gang bangers.”

We learned, straight from a caller who was said he was “stationed in Cape Cod, South Africa for months,” that their roads are lined with stakes topped with freshly severed human heads. Don’t believe all that crap about South Africa being civilized! This guy said they’ve never laid eyes on a truck.

We quickly followed up on Ron Jeremy, who has been cleared to resume his duties as a mustachioed master of the mattress. Indeed, The Hedgehog is healthy enough to… burrow! He’ll still be getting monthly check-ups. Though unlike his many films, the nurse will not show up in thigh-high stockings and 5-inch clear heels. Our money’s on a fat black chick who, no doubt, double gloves before even touching his doorbell.

In this week’s “What Grinds Abe’s Gears,” we ripped into those Craigslist posts seeking employees… yet offering no pay. Not to be confused with internships, these are actual (unpaid) jobs. Why Abe is trolling the Greater Chicagoland Freight Broker section of Craigslist is the bigger queRstion.

Of course, “Uncle Sam” Kanan loves the idea! He says if you can find someone to work for free, more power to ya! When one caller labeled him a “socialist,” Sam pressed him for a definition of socialism. There was a….. long………. pause. Before the caller said “from Russia?” and hung up. Point: Sam.

Sam Kanan Quotebook: “I would rather make out with Mario Lopez.”

I suppose context might help? We were talking about a Los Angeles charity auction held last night, during which celebrities auctioned themselves to raise money for Zeke Kendall, a 20-year old guy awaiting a life-saving heart transplant. And Mario Lopez went for $25,000 to Adrienne Maloof. Apparently, their date started out real nice — he took her to the Max before catching a Bayside Tigers basketball game. But then his ex-girlfriend, Jesse, showed up all strung out on caffeine pills & caused a huge scene. Adrienne ducked out and ended up going to prom with Preppy. But hey.. at least Zeke still gets the help!

After hearing these tales of selflessness, I offered myself up to Jay the Gay. If he can legally raise $10,000 for Zeke, he can finally plant that long-fantasized kiss on my lips. Straight peck. No tongue. Sure enough, Jay’s cash grab has already begun! One generous Man of Honor has already pledged $750. We expect to have more details next week, but I am serious. Jay: you raise $10 grand, I’ll pucker up live on the air and Zeke gets some more help paying down his hospital bills. It’s a win, win. Except for me.

Also next week – listener John, who “hates queers,” will present Man on Man Radio. Men talking to men about men. And manly stuff that only men do. Dear John: any guy who is that vocally intolerant of a 60-second conversation about a gay man is, himself, a deeply closeted homosexual. One with such built-up self-hatred over their true nature, that he will — maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow — at some point, pick up a rough ‘n tuff trucker in a desolate parking lot to fulfill his most forbidden fantasies, before killing said trucker to avenge his shame. Thanks for listening!

A li’l message to the ladies: when Abe calls you “a pig,” he wants you to know “it’s a good thing.”

We talked about Guy Fieri, who was too stupid to register his own restaurant’s web domain that someone else took the liberty and created a must-see fake menu! Somehow, it’s still posted! I recommend printing and sneaking it into your office menu binder.

We got into sports, where Abe told us that he’ll be deferring to Charles Barkley to provide all of his future, personal opinions.

Touched on WWE Superstar Jack Thhh-wagger, who was arrested this week for DUI. He was already on thin ice with the company, so I’m calling it right here — 6 months from now, we’ll hear Mike Tenay say, “What the…? Who is that? Could it be? My GOD! It’s John Swagger! Here in the Impact Zone!”

Jack’s new catchphrase: WEED THE PEOPLE.

And finally, Sam recapped a real riveting 4-hour web stream for the new Sony Playstation unveili—–wait, sorry, it looks like we have an important call. Alex on line 2. You had a comment about the McRib?

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