Friday, January 11, 2013

Huge news to kick off tonight’s program! It’s official — the Abe Kanan Show will be taking the Greyhound up north to “Pure Michigan” for a live broadcast. Indeed, nearly two years ago, we promised to broadcast live from the unveiling of the then-rumored Robocop statue. Fast forward to this afternoon & the city council has signed off on the cyborg! Dirty D — we’ll see you in the Spring of 2014. So, as soon as they start making 2014 calendars, buy one and circle the entire Spring.

We theorized that if you shave Sam with a straight razor, head to toe, make him bend his arms a little limpish.. he’d look like a near carbon copy of Marilyn Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” cover.

I never thought we’d see the day, but Abe finally put a little heat on his “guy, Barry.” Yes, POTUS Obama received some well deserved flak for his growing habit of topping each of his previous parties. Based on the star power of his upcoming inauguration party, I wouldn’t be surprised if Hologram Abe Lincoln & Hologram MLK Jr. are standing next to him, holding hands when he swears in.. using a Bible balancing on George Clooney’s head.

But who knows? Maybe these extravagant parties are all just a ploy to see how drunk and embarrassing Biden can get. Our money has Uncle Joe pulling a Frank “the Tank,” taking out James Taylor’s drummer during “You’ve Got a Friend.”

We realized that things could be worse — we could be discussing Mitt Romney’s inauguration party. Which we assume would look a lot like a county fair.. ya know, to cater to the base. A sea of Dale Jr. shirts soaking up a set from Randy Travis. Toss in some target practice, a mechanical bull & a black joke contest.

We had visions of a far-off future.. when Abe Kanan becomes elected president. His inauguration speech is a word-for-word recreation of Phil Anselmo’s rant against all the “bitch ass, pencil neck 9-to-5’ers who seem to have a problem with heavy f’ing music.” It’s the speech Thomas Jefferson only dreamt of giving.

From one delusional rant to another, we listened to Disturbed frontman Dave Draiman misread his audience in a painful way. Seriously, how does a wimpy Jewish kid from Chicago start talking like he’s the Herald at Medieval Times? Here’s a tip to any future metal singers: when you’re on stage in front of 11,000 unwashed longhairs, avoid stopping the music to call Satan “a made-up bedtime story to frighten children.” And don’t follow that by discussing the healing properties of the crescent moon.

Abe Kanan Show “Life Tip” for January 11: Please stop cheering when a band says how great it is to be in __insert city name here __. I don’t care if you were an original settler, hearing Adam Levine say “Roanoke” is not worth losing your voice over.

We talked about the recently rehashed beef between Lady Gaga and Kelly Osbourne.. only this time Kelly’s got her mom involved. Sharon took a long enough break from breastfeeding her kids to write an open letter to Lady Gaga, insisting Gaga stop bullying her Little Monsters fan club into bullying Kelly for being a bully on E’s Fashion Police. This feud is like Taco Bell’s bean dip — dozens of layers, but not a single ounce of substance. I never thought I’d say that the 1989 Fred Savage / Howie Mandel cinematic abortion is my favorite “Little Monsters.”

Oh, and speaking of little monsters.. we learned that Jay the Gay is a direct descendent of Beetlejuice. You say his name 3 times & he instantly appears on the phone. The only difference is that, after you summon Jay, there’s a puff of glittery smoke revealing that whoever said it now has nipple rings & owns Erasure’s Greatest Hits box set.

We moved from Gaga’s Little Monsters to Justin’s Beliebers and quickly touched on the legions of morons cutting themselves & posting the photos to Twitter.. all because Justin Bieber smoked a pinner with Lil Twist. It’s a very disturbing trend. But it almost makes ya want Bieber to try coke just to see what they’ll cut off next.

I recommended that we launch “Bassapedia.” It’s like Wikipedia, only 100% of the information has been culled from a rapid fire quiz with Bass. Let me give you an idea of how it works. Say you look up octopus.. Wikipedia can tell you their mating rituals, dietary preferences & life cycle. Bassapedia tells you it’s “that underwater calamari tree, right? With all the arms? The thing that Robin Williams punched when he was Popeye.”

Abe made a good point, so mark this date down. The people who make those gut-wrenching Sarah McLachlan dog rescue commercials should really rethink their strategy. Do they not understand that every decent, moral animal lover changes the station when they zoom in on a starving dog with a bleeding hairlip? No one wants to see inside the sausage factory! Sell the post-adoption joy instead of guilt tripping us for spending “the price of one cup of coffee” on coffee.

And finally, thanks to the attention it’s gotten the last two nights, David Bowie’s new single is the first-ever iTunes download to come with a Hold Harmless Waiver. While we agree to not kill Apple, we can’t say the same for Abe if he continues playing this trash.

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