Friday, January 25, 2013

We kicked off the show with bitchin’ birthday wishes for our mentor, our Master Splinter, our Doc Brown – Sludge. Abe really knows how to make someone feel good on their birthday! Abe Kanan Quotebook: “1968? Wowwww. 45? I can’t believe you’re that old. I was 26 when I lived with you. You were 40 then. Damn.”

Although, after Sludge told us he was sitting on his futon, staring at his gas station birthday cupcake, with a match where the candle should be, I guess he was probably somewhat suicidal before he talked to Abe.

By the way, everyone – if you missed the start of the show, this is important – Abe wants you to know that, five years ago, he & Sludge hosted a weeklong radio station food drive FOR THE HOMELESS. As opposed to the food drives people host for the well-to-do. They lived outside for a week. Slept in shifts. Pooped in a Gatorade bottle. Got plaques & trophies from the Governor telling them they broke all sorts of Virgina state records. ALL FOR THE HOMELESS. Abe, homeless people everywhere heard that and threw their food in the gutter. Seriously, you probably would’ve held more cans if you weren’t patting yourself on the back.

We learned that Abe waited until midnight and sent Sludge a text that said “Happy Birthday!” There is no additional joke and/or punchline here. That is all. And very gay. Seriously… that move makes Frank Ocean look like Frank Mir.

Comedian, Writer, Actor Dana Gould joined us live. A few highlights:

  • “Bane was the bane of Batman’s existence.” Clever wordplay, but I sure hope he doesn’t use that on stage. He might get more boos than David Stern when he walks in the door at home.
  • We learned that his “look / style” is what he calls nerdy & old. But Abe described it as, “a hot look these days. Smart. What’s that called?” Hope Sludge didn’t hear that.
  • We talked about Dana’s time on The Simpsons. We learned that Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, was once written up for leaving Scientology pamphlets on everyone’s keyboards. She told her boss to eat her shorts and got written up again.

Dana Gould gone. Ariel Helwani in. The most respected name in MMA media joined us in-studio ahead of tomorrow night’s UFC on Fox card from the United Center.

I remember liking the discussion a lot. He was a great dude. Very genuine. But somewhere near the very end of his time here, he mentioned being a junior at Syracuse University and calling his mother in tears. Blubbering. Inconsolable. He stopped crying long enough to say that he was dropping out of college and giving up on his dream… because, earlier that day, Mr. Perfect died.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Hey Ryan, what was the name of the land… in Wizard of Oz… where the munchkins lived?”

We talked about North Korea’s announcement that they’re testing missiles “aimed at the US.” Not an attack, but pointing them in our direction. Abe was the only person remotely alarmed by this. People feared Hitler, Stalin, bin Laden. People don’t fear Kim Jong Un. You know where the others didn’t mess up? They didn’t precede their iron-fisted terror warnings with a press release about finding a unicorn lair. Look it up.

We learned that Kim Jong Il, Un’s father, was Hennessy’s biggest customer. He spent $720,000 annually on their cognac. He also loved Ginuwine and “big, black booty” clapping in his face. During that last break, I did some research – turns out his real name was just Kim Jong. He added the “ill” sound street.

And finally, we learned that Cedric Benson is facing criminal charges because his Rottweilers attacked 17 people’s calves. Their legs. The dogs bit the peop—-wait, no, that’s not right. I had Abe’s glasses on for that last one. The real story is that they attacked 17 calves. As in, baby cows. Abe Kanan: the least trusted name in news!

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