Friday, July 12, 2013

We kicked this sum’bitch off not a moment too soon. I’ve never included the unaired, pre-show happenings in my post-show recap, but I need to peel back the curtain on this one.

The hour leading up to this broadcast gave me the same bleak, never-ending feeling as the entire months of January and February. Without even hearing why, I already know what you’re thinking — “Oh, stop crying, you twink.” Sure. Right after you spend 90 minutes in a small, soundproof and windowless room with Abe Kanan preparing to interview Stone Cold Steve Austin. Every 7-12 seconds, this guy literally shouted a rotating list of Austin’s catchphrases. Imagine someone with a severe case of Tourette’s Syndrome. Only their outbursts are:
Gimme a hell yeah!
And thaaat’s the bottom line…
Ya mealy-mouthed piece-a-trash.
So, here’s to ya!
• and, of course, WHAAAT?

I was hoping he’d knock me out with a hospital bedpan at the exact moment Stiletto hit our intro and saved the day. I was even more relieved to hear Abe start the show with “some really hilarious audio clips from this week.” Nice. Everyone loves to laugh. Can’t possibly go wrong there. Up first……?

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “So, you know how a bunch of Asians died in that plane crash?”

Of course, that was just Abe’s tactless way of setting up this truly incredible clip from KTVU, a Fox affiliate in the Bay Area.

We spent a few minutes discussing how that could’ve happened — a fake call came in on their news tip hotline, 5-7 intelligent people deemed it legit enough to include in the script, load in the teleprompter, create a graphic, rehearse and read on live TV. Our questions were cut short after remembering that newspeople are humorless drones born without the ability to laugh, joke or decipher sarcasm of any kind.

On a serious note, KTVU issued a follow-up report that police have raced the prank call and arrested Sum Yung Guy in connection with the prank. Good. Glad they caught him.

We moved on to another unsettling travel disaster; one that I witnessed, firsthand, after last night’s show. A moving car 12-feet to my right on the Dan Ryan Expressway burst into flames at 70 mph. Within seconds, the front half of the car was completely engulfed by fire as the car skidded onto the shoulder. Thankfully, I was there to help… document it.

I managed to snap and send these guys a few dozen pictures, but, after hearing from a caller who said it’s a legal violation of the Good Samaritan Law, I had no choice but to admit that I stole that story from Bass. That’s right. Let the record state that Daniel Levy is the name of the heartless villain who didn’t stop. Man, Bass, everyone is really disappointed in you.

I mean.. between Bass’ selfish actions and Abe’s admission that he’s never really cared when a friend loses a loved one, it’s hard to say which one of you is colder. Both of you. Straight up frozen. Cold as ice. You might even say… STONE COLD.

::: Break the Glass :::

Bahhh gawwwd King, it’s The Rattlesnake! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold!

That’s right, WWE Hall of Famer Stone Cold Steve Austin joined us live to promote his role in Grownups 2. The highlights:

• Within the first ten seconds, he said he doesn’t “like to laugh.” Great. This should be perfect then.

• Wisely, Abe tossed him a few Steveweisers and immediately won him over long enough to have an excellent conversation.

• Anyone else smirk when he said, “The first time I read that DAMN script?” Kinda cool to know that, even in real life, he modifies everything with an unnecessary “damn.”

• We talked about his new podcast, The Steve Austin Show, available for free on iTunes. Steve said he’s really fallen in love with the art of broadcasting and feels that he’s already improving as a credible host. He’s right. The most recent episode features Stone Cold Steve Austin interviewing Stone Cold Steve Austin.

• His podcast led into talk of new technology; specifically, the surprising fact that Steve’s embraced it and become such a prolific presence on Twitter. Or, as Abe put it, “Unexpected from a guy like you.” A GUY LIKE YOU? Abe, that’s like going to see a Tyler Perry movie and whispering “you people.”

• Thankfully, Abe didn’t eat a Stunner for pissin’ him off. Just think.. had Austin stomped a mudhole in Abe, we wouldn’t have heard him say the words “you send a tweet.” We need to pull that soundbyte. It’s not often you get one of the world’s best-known badasses saying such a queer little sentence.

• We touched on Redneck Island — the reality show Steve hosts on CMT — when I asked if he considers himself a redneck. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t real necessary that I ask that question. If I just waited two more minutes to hear him use the phrase “I’m on a gravy train with biscuit wheels,” I’d have had my answer.

• He mentioned that he’s a big fan of Stevie Ray Vaughn. Me too. In my opinion, he carried Harlem Heat.

• We learned that – and you might want to make special note of this one – Stone Cold Steve Austin “loves beer.” Big thanks to the listener who sat on hold for 50 minutes to ask that one.

• Before he rode off on his 4-wheeler, Bass shared a story about meeting Steve in the press box at US Cellular Field. I know the man has met a million strangers, so I didn’t expect him to specifically remember Bass. But did anyone else get the feeling that Stone Cold didn’t remotely remember the first thing about attending a White Sox game? Ever. After the 6th time Steve asked, “Wait.. now, where was this again?” I got the feeling Bass had a 15-minute wrestling conversation with Michael Chiklis.

We had no choice but to discuss Sharknado, the “made-for-TV” SyFy original movie that somehow captured America’s heart last night. It’s exactly what it sounds like – a movie about a tornado made of sharks. Apparently, SyFy felt the idea, script and production value weren’t quite shitty enough, so they added Tara Reid and Ian Ziering.

Quick sidebar on the term “made-for-TV.” It’s the unspoken built-in red flag that says you’re about to settle on something so horrible, that even the people who made it gave up on making it for theaters. But when you have to use air quotes while saying made-for-TV? That means it’s worse than Hitler.

We cut in with some breaking news that Tara Reid revealed she’s “definitely interested” in filming the already-anticipated sequel. That’s huge. She must really love the creative complexities and challenge of playing a clueless whore with no common sense. Either that.. or she remembered that the only thing on her calendar was “oil change.”

Oh, and good news for fans – in the time it took me to read that last entry, Sharknado 2 was written, filmed and edited. It premieres in an hour.

Personally, I find the whole bandwagon mentality incredibly insulting. I know you’re gonna call me an elitist, but I’m sorry.. call me after you’ve read the books.

During our weekly visit with Jay the Gay, he said something that gave me reason to officially start a Jay the Gay Quotebook. While struggling to recall a fact that no one would remember about a topic I’ve already forgotten, Jay said, “Abe, look that up.” WHAT?? Jay.. are you kidding me? Abe? Abe Kanan?? Looking something up??? That’s rich. You’d have 100% better odds telling a turtle to drive. Abe won’t even look up.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Obviously, Ryan’s a hot girl.”

Now, before you start thinking (again) that Abe’s a repressed homosexual, let me clarify that he said that during a parody description of a wedding, in which I marry Jay the Gay. I must admit – it was pretty damn funny to hear Abe’s over-the-top vision of something so ridiculous. I mean.. it’s totally normal for him to do 20 detailed minutes on the reception, right?

Yes, I’ll admit that, for a brief moment, I was slightly concerned that Abe may have previously played this out in his head.. several times. But during that last commercial break, Abe totally silenced my suspicions.. when he handed me the dinner options, invites, registry, DJ playlist and seating chart.

In all fairness, it’s my own fault that nonsense came up in the first place. I made the mistake of saying, “Jay, I want to ask you a question.” I should’ve known that Abe would assume his straight friend was proposing to our most passionate gay listener.

At this point, I don’t even remember if I ever got to ask what I wanted to ask. The only question I remember in the final hour of the show was Abe saying: “Jay the Gay, IS LeBron James a better rapper than Kobe Bryant? Yes or no?”

We learned that, in Abe’s head, Lamar Odom calls Khloe “man.” Hilarious, but only half as funny as learning, in real life, Bass calls Lamar Odom “a weird looking guy.”

And finally, we were delighted, but not shocked, to learn that Bass has never entered a swimming pool without wearing water wings.

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