Friday, March 01, 2013

We kicked this sucker off like we do every 1st — with a little help from Bone Thugs! Yeah, four white guys in a multi-million dollar studio celebrating the arrival of our government checks!

We issued a formal apology to all of the nerds who tuned in tonight hoping to hear Burt Ward, who played Robin on the 1960’s “Batman” TV series. Apparently, Mr. Ward caught wind of our unflattering conversation last night, and has decided to bore someone else with stories of Milton Berle misplacing his prunes.

We talked about Earlie Johnson. But you probably know him as the “Hugh Hefner of Muskegon.” He’s the 47-year old welder from Michigan whose $7500 porn collection was tragically stolen this week. He called it the “ultimate archive of African-American on-screen sex.” Dude had stuff dating back to when porn was polite; back when the films were legally required to show the guy meeting her parents. Thankfully, the well-intentioned CEO’s of America’s top porn companies are replacing Earlie’s “life work” with their latest releases. Though, we imagine Earlie’s in for a shock when he sees seven masked men stretching Foxy Roxy in the back of a moving van.

From the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I don’t read. Sam.. what’s a book?” (Note: As in…. tell me the title of a book.)

We got into all the excitement surrounding the upcoming Pope Fantasy Draft! Indeed, March Madness has started early. The College of Cardinals is meeting at the Vatican, as we speak, to pick the next super old guy with glaucoma to wave lifelessly from a balcony. Although, we listened in to our exclusive papal audio feed, and it sounded more like they were playing Beer Pong and bags!? I think I even heard someone yell for Bishop Cornelius to “grab that sticky icky.”

We paid tribute to Benedict, who Abe says “had a good run.” He didn’t overstay his welcome and he just wants to enjoy…. all the things a deteriorating 85-year old celibate guy gets to enjoy?

We speculated on Ben’s next move & wondered if he might be the first Pope to have a late-life crisis. He might get into poker. Or porn. Who knows? Just remember you heard it here first when Vivid announces the 2-disc release of “Nail Mary” and “Pope-in Ain’t Easy.”

We did find a couple of the church’s moves to be a little harsh. They’re not letting him keep his red Swingline stapler. And really, security didn’t need to walk him out and wrestle him for his key fob.

Abe & Sam disputed the coolness of a Hotmail e-mail address, which gave us an entry for the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “If you have a Hotmail account, you should kill yourself. Right Ryan?”

Abe argued that when a woman finds out you still have Hotmail, she treats that information exactly as she would after discovering you have a tiny stick. She immediately conference-calls her friends who, ten times out of ten, will encourage her to RUN and “go back to Brody because he has gmail.”

Listener Bo called in to tell us how mindlessly shallow that Hotmail conversation was, adding that we “haven’t seen their new user interface.” And that we have no earthly idea how fast his Nokia Lumia is. Or what we’re missing with Bing. We then found out that Bo was calling us while gazing out at his own private island in the Pacific. Sure, it hurts a little to realize that the four of us are gonna walk six blocks after this show & yell shotgun on Bass’ 93 Buick. But at least I can say “My email? Sure. It’s ryanmanno@GMAIL.com.” Enjoy your perfect sunset, nerd!

It was nice to hear from Rich, our Leader of the Placenta Squad. We haven’t heard from him in a long time. Don’t be a stranger, Rich.

We talked about Michael Jordan’s (alleged) bastard son with some hoodrat who claims MJ “dunked” on her 16 years ago. At first, it made us wonder why she waited so long. But we realized this is what happens when a single mother comes to terms with the fact that her “meal ticket” is more into Magic the Gathering than practicing his jumpers.

Quick note to MJ: Make the kid testify in court! He’s only 16, so you know he’ll be nervous. When he starts stuttering, you can say he’s clearly R-r-r-r-on-n-n H-h-harp-p-per’s kid.

We ran down a list of things to never say to women with large natural boobs, which was, indeed, compiled by women with huge boobs. We learned that they hate the attention. But they also hate when you ignore them. So, basically, don’t ever talk to women with enormous boobs. They’re miserable people.

We offered a harsh message of truth for the ladies: If people are constantly calling you “beautiful” and/or “brave,” they’re really just saying you’re fat. I know it’s tough to hear, but think about it.. when was the last time anyone called Olivia Munn brave?

And finally, we listened to Kristin Stewart disrespectfully cough her way through her award presentation at Sunday’s Oscars. Kristin, we’re sorry that you were physically pulled off your bedroom floor for the 45 seconds it took you to stumble through your five pre-written lines. We know it was a “a bummer” to hit pause on your Ani DiFranco CD. And we know the bright lights were “harshing your mellow, maaan.” So next year, do us both a favor and stay home.

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