Friday, March 15, 2013

We pushed start on this special Just the Tip episode of The Abe Kanan Show with our standard roll call. Let’s see.. Abe? (Here) Sam? (Present) Ryan? (Affirmative) Bass? …

Bass??? …

Okay, no Bass. What gives? We found out that our big man couldn’t be bothered to arrive an hour after Seder tipoff time tonight.

Note: Before I go any further.. we’ll remind you that our Bass ball busting has absolutely nothing to do with religion and everything to do with the fact that he is completely devoid of faith the other 364 days in the year.

Between the three of us in this room, I think work has allowed us to enjoy a grand total of four Christmases and two Easters. But when it’s time for Levy to log a sacrifice for the squad, all of a sudden, he turns into Jewie C.K. and claims he’s “providing the Seder entertainment” for his fiancée and her parents tonight at his Mama Bass’ crib.

Abe got his lazy ass on the phone, but only after he snuck out to his car to make the call. I’m guessing Bass told his Mom he started smoking.. it’d come as less of a blow than finding out he was on the air talking about how boring and bland her Seder was shaping up to be.

On the flip side, I’d be a prick for not giving Bass props on the family values. Last year on the Seder, he went to a matinee foam party for “Bears” with Jay the Gay. So, this wholesome trip is a vast improvement over 2012’s eight-man Lotsa Balls Soup.

We did confirm that Bass’ dad, the clown, God rest his soul.. would dress up, for one day only, as Elvis Parsley on the Seder. Shook his hips and sang about vegetables. Huge hit with the neighborhood kids.

I’d like to go on the record and encourage Bass to pick up the act where his dad, the clown, left off. Maybe freshen it up and start a new tradition as Darth Seder?

Bass informed us that his fiancées parents were currently “a little freaked out” after seeing how Mrs. Bass does the Seder. Initially, we thought she might’ve taken the religious stuff a tad too close for comfort. Wrong. Turns out they’re ill-at-ease because she wears a goat mask while chasing guests thru the house with a chainsaw amid a seizure-inducing chain of strobe lights.

Happy Passover, Bass!

After our dreaded Ball Busting Pendulum ran out of juice, we moved into sports and led with the juicy non-story about a possible NFL player set to come out of the closet in the coming weeks. Who could it be? Early Abe Kanan Show money is on Devin Hester, Jared Allen and/or Marshawn Lynch.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Getting f—-d in the ass is a major event.”

Here.. have another: “If I were Matt Cassell, I’d just come out of the closet.”

The last one spawned Abe’s new favorite idea ever — he proudly proposes that any “NFL players who are losers should save their jobs by coming out.. even if they’re straight!”

Take, for example, Elvis Dumerville. If Elvis wasn’t so worried about all the homophobe fans drawing graphic, wax wieners on his windshield during the games.. he’d have come out two years ago.

Alas, it remains anyone’s guess who it might be. So now.. we wait, while considering Abe’s final thought for the evening — “I’m really hoping it’s a big fat black guy!”

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