Friday, May 03, 2013

We fired her up with another Abe-ism outta deep right field: “Is it possible for a cooooo person to cancel out a douchebag?” He was referring to Matthew McConaughey and Guy Fieri, respectively. For reasons unknown, Abe wasted a portion of his afternoon watching an old replay of Guy’s ButtHut on The Food Network. (Is that what’s it called, Abe?) Anyway, Matthew was pretending to help Guy make really awful food in a fake kitchen.

I’ll give you credit, Kanan – it’s a fair question. And after Abe talked it out for a few minutes, he arrived at the answer he sought, realizing that it was, indeed, the intake equivalent of staring at an unplugged TV for 60 minutes. So yes.. a coooo individual can negate the presence of a d-bag.

Perhaps an even more important revelation for longtime listeners of The Abe Kanan Show? Tonight, we finally learned why Abe is such a fangirl for Matt McConaughey! You may recall that stretch last year when Abe squealed any time someone mentioned Magic Mike. He’d crouch down behind the studio console and, like a kid playing hide & seek, a dribble of ‘excited pee’ would trickle out as he quoted the movie. It was weird. But we never did discover what, exactly, was behind all that intrigue. This evening, Abe told us — it’s because McConaughey says the word “yep” instead of saying that something is “good.” So say, for instance, Guy hands Matthew a skewer of Cheez Gutted Wolf Meat. Whereas most mortals would say, “Wow, Guy! That tastes incredible.” Captain Cool just says “yep.” And that, my friends, makes Abe swoon.

Before Abe donated that nonexistent hour of his day, he ate lunch at a food court where he secretly videotaped a boss eating lunch with his employees. What you’re about to hear is a small group of female employees reacting to a remarkably BORING story being told by their unfunny boss. He just finished saying that his wife almost burned the house down and you’d think these women were watching Eddie Murphy’s Raw.

(cue Abe to play audio)

I know you’re all wondering how that compelling story ends. Basically, Sadie almost set some math papers on fire. And Angelica has bangs now. Both, apparently, gut-bustingly hysterical.

That led into Abe Almighty admonishing anyone who hasn’t been fortunate enough to live 99% of their lives doing a job where the only rule in the employee handbook is “be hilarious.” See, Abe wants everyone with a boss – or really, anyone in a corporate or otherwise structured hierarchy – to adopt the Abe Kanan / Tim Sabean method of subordinate / supervision relations. Here, try it out this weekend: text your boss at 4:30 AM and say something like, “What up, you queer? You getting’ some of that stinkfinger this weekend or do I gotta fly out there and show you how it’s done? Later homo.” Try that. And if you don’t? Well, you’re weak.

That mindset, we learned, is nothing new for Abe. He’s never been an ass-kisser. Never been a company man. Dating back to his days as the only tenured cart boy at Wal-Mart, he never conformed. Perhaps because he never earned the respect he deserved? Granted, his approach to cart wrangling was a bit unconventional — instead ofpushing the carts, by hand, into the store, Abe would line up hundreds of them.. get in his car and drive.. pushing forward until every last cart was forced through the front door. Point being, he blazed his own trail and never took a single sip of Sam Walton’s Kool Aid. So, when his bosses insisted he stop driving the carts into the store, he out “Abe” on that cart boy badge of honor, and replaced it with the word “Slave.”Yes, he was forced to scribble that out and keep pushing carts. But to this day, Abe, Wal-Mart has never quite recovered from that PR black eye.

And, to this day, Abe told us that he continues testing the crust of corporate America by slooooowwwwly counting out 31 pennies at fast food drive-thru windows whenever they have thegall to charge him for extra BBQ sauce; a surcharge enacted to account for lost revenue in napkins (also because of Abe). Why does he do it? “Sometimes, people need to be taught a lesson for being so ridiculous.”

Chris in Tampa called in to tell Abe to stop being so ridiculous about all this petty fast food nonsense and start acting like an ad— wait, no. Those were my personal notes. I’m sorry. Chris in Tampa called to, “congratulate Abe on always taking three inches of napkins at Burger King.” Unreal. But Chris wasn’t done: “I do the same thing and haven’t bought toilet paper in years!”

Abe swiftly appointed that gentleman Squad Leader of Napkins. Congratulations, Tampa Chris!

We transitioned into that big rat meat controversy in China, where some meat distributors were mislabeling meat as Prime Rib when, in reality, it was Master Splinter. Despite the meat mixup, Chinese restaurateurs had no complaints on the prep time. Still “10.. 15 minute.”

Bass finally spoke what I assume he’s always thinking: “I wouldn’t have a problem eating that. I think I would eat anything.”

Which prompted Abe to say he’s certain that he’s eaten some unsavory stuff in his day. Ya know, unwanted additives by ungrateful workers. His first example? “Piss.” Why would Abe assume he’s eaten piss against his knowledge? I quote: “Because when I was a young asshole, I would mess with people in the drive thru.”

Hey, Sam, hand me that TiVo remote real quick. (TiVo SFX)

(repeat) “And, to this day, Abe told us that he continues testing the crust of corporate America by slooooowwwwly counting out 31 pennies at fast food drive-thru windows whenever they have thegall to charge him for extra BBQ sauce.”

Yep. Got it.

Abe defended the fact that he creates all of his elaborate tricks when ordering at fast food joints. It’s how he avoids feeling self-conscious because his order is, by his own definition, “embarrassing.” Instead of acknowledging that he should stop ordering food that makes him feel like Chris Hansen just walked in the room, he deflected it back on me saying, “Well that’s because you go to Subway and order a maloof sandwich with a pinch of sea salt on an extra plate.”

Listener Tim called in to validate yet another Abe-ism from a previous show: Abe judges people whose text messages show up green on his Apple iPhone. That’s right — the anti-corporate cowboy Abe Kanan would prefer you don’t text him at all before you consider blinding his eyes with your NON-APPLE shade of fluorescent green.

Then, Tim, a man in his mid-40’s, closed by saying that he really enjoys our show because it reminds him of the days when he went through life not giving a shit about other people.

On a personal note, I’d like to give a fist bump to Big Ern for calling to ask, “Who was the rugged gentleman in the photo you guys posted with DDP last week? He knew it wasn’t Bass. Sam & Abe were also accounted for, so who, then, was that fourth person? I think he said, “a Jack Palance-type.. real gruff frontiersman in the black shirt?” Big Ern, my friend, that was me! Don’t believe Abe’s hype, everybody, I shave with a shark fin.

We talked about my unpleasant experience at Wrigley Field this week, where I witnessed two gay gents in front of me playing “Hot or Not” with a Google image search of hairless twinks during Tuesday’s Cubs / Padres game. I didn’t have a chance to get to it.. but after sitting behind them, I will NEVER think of the 7th Inning Stretch the same again. Turned into the 8th Inning Gape.

Quick PSAbe: Folks.. please, PLEASE, take off the Beats headphones in public, non-headphone places. Gym? Fine. Oil change? Not fine. If you turn those Beats headphones up loud enough.. and listen real close.. you’ll hear the low end saying “douuuuuche bagggggg.”

Big Abe Kanan exclusive — the two favorites in tomorrow’s Kentucky Debry Orb & Verranzo joined us live in-studio. Well, Orb was in studio. Verrazano was on the phone from his hotel room. Couldn’t have ’em in the same room! A lesson learned after an earlier green room incident during which Orb made a comment about how he’s the best “mudder” in tomorrow’s field. Then, that fiery Latino cracked his knuckles, took off his saddle and said, “Oh yeah vato? You’re a mudder, huh? Well, ese, you lookin’ at the baddestmudderfucker.”

Ah, and a quick tip for anyone headed to Churchill Downs with the hopes of getting laid — look for the ladies with Derby hats big enough to hide behind! Also try this line: “You might not see my derby hat, but I assure you, I’m wearing one.”

And finally, we learned some rogue groups of scoundrels in Vegas andAtlanta have been selling bootleg copies of our show! The going black market rate? 3 discs for $20. 5 shows on a disc. Congratulations, bootleggers, you have just stolen the distinction of “least profitable company in America.” Let’s see.. who’d you overtake? Huh, would ya look at that! Levy Media.

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