Friday, May 17, 2013

We kicked it off with the follow-up to last night’s news that Sam would be taking this evening off. You’ll recall – he told us that he had to take a caravan of inner city 8th graders on a camping trip to Wisconsin.

Abe has often told us about when they were younger — any time Sam got upset, he packed a suitcase and threatened to run away. Invariably, he’d stomp down the block, turning around before he ever reached the stop sign. So, I’m pretty sure that we assumed Sam was simply making another one of his dramatic, empty threats. Or, at the very least, he’d come to senses and show up tonight..?


We checked in with Mr. Sam, live from the campground in East Troy, Wisconsin! And I bet you’re wondering — “Mr. Sam?” To the surprise of no one, before they even got out of Illinois, Sam had instructed all the kids to call him “Mr. Sam.” I wonder how many of ‘em tried jumping out the bus window as they hauled down I-94: “Hello kids, I’m Mr. Sam.” … “Geronimooooo!”

We found out that those who didn’t commit suicide were treated to one of Sam’s daylong discussions on professional wrestling. In a sweltering hot cabin, Mr. Sam presented the history of the Intercontinental Title and a demonstration on how to properly execute the 5-Knuckle Shuffle.

Sam’s only wrestling-related fail of the afternoon was his Rey Mysterio mask. He was really hoping it’d be a huge hit, not accounting for the fact that all Mexican kids view a Luchador mask as a vital piece of clothing. They weren’t impressed. Which was especially hilarious after learning this next nugget of info..

Last night, Sam was convinced that his cabin would be crawling with violent young thugs looking to stab him in his sleep. Well, after arriving at the campgrounds, Sam stepped off the bus, grabbed his clipboard and gathered his group – Mr. Sam was in charge of the mentally challenged cabin!

Sam Kanan Quotebook: “What am I wearing, Abe? I’m wearing all Nike gear because I don’t want any tick bites, you moron.” Apparently, ticks hate Nike.

We found out that Sam will be sleeping on the bottom bunk tonight. Or as Mr. Sam himself put it: “I’m a bottom.”

I’ll admit — we were pretty hard on Sam. And, while I do feel bad for him, I feel way worse for the poor kids who were sitting around the campfire waiting for us to hang up on him. Imagine hearing only his side of our hourlong conversation. Pretty sure he threw 30 f-bombs at Abe, adding “they’re not completely retarded” and that he’s the only one out there protected from Lyme Disease. Those kids were thinking back to this afternoon when Sam was demonstrating Sweet Chin Music during his panel on “finishing moves of the 90’s.” But after watching him pace and foam at the mouth, they were almost certainly thinking, “I think something bad happened to Mr. Sam.”

After Abe’s best attempt to destroy his relationship with his brother, we moved on to the big Beyoncé pregnancy news. No firm release date, but the “Blue Ivy Remix” is set to drop sometime in late winter.

I guess they did an ultrasound today & the fetus actually threw up the diamond.

Which is cooler than what happened at the previous ultrasound – the technician said, “Okay, Beyoncé, are you ready? It’s gonna be cold. I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.”

Abe, of course, was more interested in finding out more about Jay-Z’s girth. He was comparing it to both a two-liter soda bottle and a – actually, I’ll let Abe tell us in his own words: “Everyone can picture a horse’s load, right?” No, Abe, everyone can’t picture that.

And just when I didn’t think it was possible to get even more disgusting and sexually depraved, Abe said, “Let’s welcome Dennis Hof to the program!” First time in my life, I was wishing we could back to talking about horse penis. The interview highlights:

Dennis opened with a history lesson on the earliest settlers of Nevada and transitioned into an overview of the Las Vegas legal system. Like Alice Cooper in Wayne’s World, a pimp is never supposed to start a sentence with, “Well, in the late 1800’s…”

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Dennis, I’ve heard that some of the dirtier hookers will have sex with one guy, and before having sex with the next guy, they will take what is known in some circles as…….. a ho bath. What do you know about that?”

Eric the Actor surprised Dennis to demand an apology from one of his natural-breasted Bunny Ranch girls. As he explained, this stuck-up whore asked Eric to stop sending her rapid-fire direct messages on Twitter at 4 AM, each of them asking her to measure his penis. Not sure how someone could hate that!? Instead of an apology, Dennis did one better – he provided Eric with his next victim, Amy Page. Who, I’m guessing, has already deleted her Twitter account.

Dennis told us that Verne Troyer’s got an impressive piece. Said it’s taller than him. We were skeptical until Dennis told us that “Ron Jeremy confirmed it on an airplane to Hawaii.” And if Ron Jeremy says it..

Of course, no show would be complete without a Bass bashing. So we closed with a discussion of his recent photoshoot, which Abe kindly called “disgusting.” 20 times. That opened the door to a sea of callers saying, “Bass looks like insert insult here .” It was similar to the way the Anchorman news team described the scent of Sex Panther. Only meaner. A real morale booster, considering Bass had just set one of the shots as his Facebook profile pic.

Abe took his warmth a step further and tweeted the picture. So, if you’d like to jump on the pile, check @abekanan and scroll until you see the word “disgusting.”

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