Thursday, February 14, 2013

We welcomed all our Men & Women of Honor to this very special Valentine’s Day episode witruths ate of toxic truth from the anti-Cupid’s (Abe) arrow. He encouraged anyone who is currently unhappy in their relationship to use this romantic evening, not to fall deeper into misery, but as the jumping off point you’ve been waiting for. So, if you’re driving to dinner and you taste bile at the mere sight of your passenger’s face, it’s time to open the car door and barrel roll into a ditch. Life is too short to be miserable forever. You can always crawl out of a ditch. Happy Valentine’s Day!

We transitioned into one break-up method that even we can’t condone: South African Olympic runner, Oscar Pistorias, the dude with the bionic legs, (allegedly) shot & killed his girlfriend, who was waiting inside his house to surprise him for Valentine’s Day. She succeeded.

The Abe Kanan News Team, as always, muscled in and got some exclusive info. It turns out, the couple’s trouble started after “Blade Runner” saw his girl texting with Usain Bolt. Bolt was, of course, sending a steady stream of penis pix while remarking on the fact that he’s got two good legs. Abe affirmed Usain’s style as a tip for any fellas courting a woman who’s in a committed relationship.. with an amputee: Remind her that you have all of your appendages. It’s subtle, yet effective.

From Olympic shooting to Olympic wrestling.. we touched on the fact that the International Olympic Committee put the sport through a flaming table this afternoon. Indeed, no more wrestling in the Summer Games. Lots of speculation over why the decision was made, but if you ask us — things haven’t been the same since Vickie Guerrero and Booker T started calling the shots. You have hungry hotshot outsiders like The Shield sabotaging these matches and, really, there’s just no way to keep order.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I would always buy the Mighty Ducks books. But I never read them cuz I just watched the movies.” Abe is the only grown man to make a cliché youth hockey saga sound like Tom Wolfe’s “Bonfire of the Vanities.”

Under significant protest from my colleagues, I added “Cool Runnings” to the list of movies that you can’t turn off when you find it on TV. Consider that Abe’s list contains “Howard the Duck” and you’ll get a better sense of the dissenting tastes.

We talked to Abe’s “favorite” name in the world of MMA. No, not Clay Guida. Or Nick & Nate Diaz. Not Ronda Rousey. Or Pat Barry. Or Chael Sonnen. Or Jon Jones. Or Uriah Faber. Not even Bruce Buffer or Dana White. Noooo, Abe’s “real” favorite (until the next one joins us) is Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, who called us live from America’s beard, Mexico. A few highlights:

  • He doesn’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day because he “treats his lady right year round.”
  • Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Rampage, how did you first know that you were such a badass?” Good lord, Abe, you sound like a 3rd grader asking Neil Armstrong when he first knew he wanted to fly to outer space.
  • Rampage told us what he had planned to say IF he got the microphone after his last fight. I’m sure it was something interesting, but I was too busy laughing at Abe’s previous bitch-ass question.
  • Here’s one from the Quinton Jackson Quotebook: “People shouldn’t kill people. That’s not nice and I can’t say anything good about that.”
  • And finally, Rampage confirmed that the AKS crew will ALL be in his corner for his triumphant return to the octagon, which will follow a German knee operation that we scheduled for him via Twitter. Stuff got weird.

We go back to the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Ya know, that Oscar Pistorious story really made me think about the importance of ending bad relationships.”

We revisited our long-beloved audio of Takeo Spikes being interviewed by ESPN’s Linda Cohn. It’s funny.. we’ve heard the clip a hundred times, yet somehow, we continue discovering new layers. It’s kinda like “A Christmas Story,” every year, you pick up on something new. Tonight, we learned that Takeo couldn’t even answer Linda when she asked “how were you feeling?”

Abe shouted out to a guy named “Ducky.” I should be clear — Ducky isn’t an actual person, per se, rather a symbolic character who represents a largely overlooked pocket of pathetically hopeless American men. Ducky is the loser friend in every group. He’s the guy who drives everyone… everywhere. And maintains the unrealistic hopes that when Tammy gets tired of Heenan cheating on her, she’ll finally see Ducky for the white knight he really is. The problem, Ducky, is that Tammy won’t snap out of it. Not now. Not ever. She’ll continue going down on Heenan in your backseat, while you sadly chauffeur them up to Six Flags, so that Heenan can check lost & found for his favorite flannel. Understand, Ducky, that while you’re browsing bouquets on ProFlowers.com, Heenan will continue sending her Valentine’s Day cards that read “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. We’re having sex tonight because I’m stronger than you.” Ducky, please, man.. make THIS Valentine’s Day your last stand.

We closed out the program with “America’s Pimp,” Dennis Hoff. And considering he’s a man who deals strictly in sex, interviewing Dennis Hof on Valentine’s Day is like landing Santa Claus on Christmas. Coincidentally, Dennis played Santa (if Santa was a sex-starved degenerate) by offering 25% off for anyone who mentions The Abe Kanan Show at any of his whore houses in the next 48 hours. So if you’re in the area, make sure you say “Abe Kanan sent me” to Madame Suzette before paying the full $1,500 to let a Mexican dwarf tongue-dart your fartbox.

So, what does Dennis Hof get for Valentine’s Day? His “main whore of the month,” whose fake name I regrettably didn’t catch through her trashy, drunken slur, told us that she got Dennis a cheerleader from the University of Michigan. I’m curious how long it takes Dennis to figure out that most 18-year old college cheerleaders don’t have a c-section scar, crow’s feet & a smoker’s cough.

But hey, it’s Valentine’s Day.. and everyone deserves a little lovin’. Unless, of course, you’ve already jumped from the moving car. Either way, all of us at The Abe Kanan Show hope it’s a happy one!

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