Thursday, February 21, 2013

We kicked off the show with a major proclamation from Abe Kanan, regarding Abe Kanan. A public pledge, paving the road to his prosperous future! Annnnd spoken like a remedial 5th grader, he said, “I will be a millionaire!”

Now, I know what you’re thinking, but hang on a second — he wasn’t done! See, unlike most millionaires, Abe says he’ll be “a great millionaire.” Because he’ll “actually enjoy being a millionaire.” Unlike most millionaires, who Abe feels are not nearly as happy as they should be.

And again, unlike most millionaires, Abe’s distant dream of obtaining said fortune stops here. I informed Abe that nearly all similar self-made wealth is earned because someone followed a lifelong passion or dream. As for Abe? In his own words, “there is no plan.” If people had tag lines, that would be Abe’s; Abe Kanan: There is No Plan.

It’s a vastly different approach than that of his older brother, Sam, who started drafting his Last Will & Testament the day he graduated 7th grade. We learned that Sam’s over-preparedness has officially turned into paranoia. Earlier this week, Sam ordered an at-home food poisoning testing kit. Not to determine if he had already eaten some rotten food. No, Sam merely wants to determine if he’s about to eat poison before every meal. Sam, you do realize that you’re not living in 331 BC, right? You’re not a Roman Emperor breaking bread with an envious noble, determined to slip strychnine seed in your goblet. For God’s sakes man, get a grip!

We suggested that, instead of going through all the trouble of testing his food, Sam should simply hire Bass as his personal poison tester. We then decided that if Bass should ever die by poison during the show, we would finish the broadcast before calling the cops.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I keep a tight ass.”

Daniel Negranu, Abe’s “most favorite poker player in the whole wide world” joined us live from… I dunno… atop a mountain of money? A few highlights:

  • Gentlemen: if you’re a fan of Daniel’s and you happen to see him in public, do NOT introduce him to your girlfriend. He has no problem taking her for a spin in an empty stall while you’re busy uploading the “siiiick” picture of you & Daniel Negranu to Facebook.
  • We learned that he wasn’t joking either. Turns out, we couldn’t find a single strange sex scenario that Daniel hadn’t already done!? The Frothy Walrus. The Quadruple Kangaroo. The Grumpy Yelper. Check, check and check. He did them all. Last week. I think he even copped to Eiffel Towering Annie Duke with another fellow poker player.
  • And, though it has nothing to do with sex, we coined a new meaning for the term “Royal Flush.” It’s where you take five separate dumps in someone else’s toilet, all on top of each other, before they find it & have to flush.
  • To the one gentleman who called to ask Daniel if he knew of any upcoming poker tournaments in Carrot River, Saskatchewan: we can report that, no, there are still none scheduled at this time.
  • And finally, Daniel shared an amazing story about raising over $250,000 for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital using only the power of Twitter, and after only 7 days. So touching that Abe immediately asked Daniel to financially back his hidden-camera transvestite TV show idea, That Chick’s a Dude.

Following the Negranu interview, we balanced out the sausage fest with The Abe Kanan Show’s Legal Correspondent, Kelly Saindon. Once again, her appearance made me wonder where she got her law degree!? In 15 minutes, Kelly made prison rape jokes about Drew Peterson, leg jokes about Oscar Pistorius, talked about the size of her balloons, her friend finding dingleberries after tossing some dude’s salad, her desire to turn a gay man straight and, of course, the Kelly Saindon special — drunk tweeting at 3 AM. If you’re in any sort of legal trouble, and you also want to party… hire Kelly Saindon!

Jay the Gay just so happened to be the homo Ms. Saindon would like to turn straight. And after I embarrassed Jay by individually responding to each of his 82 unanswered Twitter DMs he’s sent since March 2011, I think he might have just gone back into the closet.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Any time I go out, the gay guys can’t keep their hands off of me.”

Abe offended Sam by calling him easy to offend.

We started a fake Twitter rumor — Katt Williams is going to be the next James Bond. Feel free to run with any variation of, “Whoa. Katt Williams is the next Bond? That is a strange choice. #BlackBond”

Although, by the sound of this week’s Tito Ortiz/Cris Cyborg press conference, Tito would make a pretttty damn smooth James Bond. He makes Sean Connery sound like Timmy from South Park. Kidding aside, that was, hands down, the worst press conference in the history of mankind. I feel bad for the poor woman on the side of the stage trying to do sign language for that abortion.

Tito Ortiz Quotebook: “And ummm, I wanna be very thankful for Dana White for being so cool about the things.” Huh? You sound like a foreign exchange student, Tito.

And finally, we got into Prince Michael Jackson, the not-really-son of Michael Jackson, who based solely on his immense talent, recently landed a gig as a reporter for Entertainment Tonight. At the experienced, seasoned age of 16. Oh, and after further inspecting his birth certificate, we learned that “Prince” is actually spelled with a “z.” It’s Prinze Michael Jackson. Apparently, MJ was nuts about I Know What You Did Last Summer.

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