Thursday, January 17, 2013

We kicked off the show with a somber farewell to our former producer, Briton Callan. He was a damn fine producer, but an even better person. Who, unfortunately, stepped in front of a bus. On the highway. Our exhaustive search lasted roughly 90 minutes & we are pleased to welcome to the helm… our new producer, Stiletto! Also, none of this makes an ounce of sense to anyone who just discovered this radio show.

Of course, we couldn’t ignore the invisible elephant in the invisible room — Manti Te’o’s fake dead girlfriend. Which, by the way, will be the name of my fantasy team when I join Sam’s league next season.

There’s understandably a lot of negative sentiment surrounding this story. But we’re all “glass half-full” people in this room. All of us except Abe, Bass & Sam. So Manti, I’d like to help you find a few positives:

  • At least she won’t be leaking any penis pics.
  • Brent Musburger thinks she’s attractive.
  • And, while your team lost the BCS Championship game, at least you guys dethroned Penn State as the most screwed up program in college football! Jerry Sandusky actually released a statement today. He said, “At least my kids were REAL.”

Te’o is rumored to have a press conference tomorrow, where is expected to announce “The Aristocrats!”

Manti may have chased away a few million supporters today, but gained a very impressive new one: Lance Armstrong.

We talked about Lance’s big interview with Oprah tonight. Kinda anticlimactic though, he kept saying “I’m not here to talk about the past.”

We broke the only real piece of news to come out of the Lance Armstrong interview — he announced his latest venture with new business partner, “America’s Pimp,” Dennis Hof. First up? A PPV special in which Lance will show his ball for 3 hours.

Not much better? Some of the less popular NHL franchises are really getting desperate to recover from the lockout. Like the Columbus Blue Jackets, who are running a promotion where, when you buy one ticket, you get to pick a bag, which contains either 5, 10, or 15 other free tickets. And a tryout.

We learned that Bass’ ride to school was short & yellow. But, it turns out the joke’s on us! Sure, you have to possess a minimum of two physical or mental impediments to board. But once those doors shut, it turns into a rap video. So while the 3 of us were cracking jokes about Bass’ helmet, he was sippin’ 40’s, sittin’ front row for the private 2 Chainz concert on wheels, gettin’ all sorts of retarded ass!

We talked about the biggest panic to hit America since swine flu — original flu. We’re in the throes of a national epidemic & our flu correspondent Matthew Stromer joined us live from a Manhattan Youth Soccer Club, where handshakes are now banned to prevent the spread of germs. They’re being replaced with mandatory postgame elbow bumps. Which, league officials told parents, can be demonstrated by your child’s coach. Parents: if your kid needs instructions on how to touch 2 elbows together, the flu would be a blessing.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “If someone has clean elbows, you know they’re doing something right.”

We learned that the elbow connoisseur was pulled over by a small army of cops, after they caught him swerving for several city blocks. Don’t worry folks, he wasn’t texting while driving! He was texting while eating while driving.

But, for the first time in his life, Abe was let off with not even a warning. Which gave birth to this AK Quotebook entry: “This is my year!” Says the guy brushing floor mat fuzz off of his onion rings. Big things, man.

We talked about “fun cops” who are GREAT at parties. But, don’t forget, when the party’s over.. they’re still real cops!

Kevin from Chagrin Falls, Ohio received a huge cabinet appointment tonight — Squad Leader of Servers!

After listening to Abe share his long list of ludicrous tips to avoid arrest, I realized that, as you get older, you should really want a decrease in the number of friends who tell you how to beat a DUI.

And finally.. another high Abe Kanan Show honor — I received the first ever 1.5 cooo salute. Bestowed by our sensai Sludge, who Abe had on to affirm his assertion that anyone can always beat a DUI by saying “no comment.” Should you take Abe’s advice tonight? No comment.

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