Thursday, June 6, 2013

Tonight’s show started with Abe salivating over storytime; he simply could not wait to tell The Tale of the Tainted Coffee. Indeed, ‘twas another Abe Kanan Original™. Those are the special stories in which the subject matter is merely based on real life events. Which, of course, is code for Abe taking drastic liberties with facts in an attempt to destroy Sam, Bass or, in this case, me. No complaints, though, as I was long overdue for a beating.

Here’s the nutshell version: Following last Friday’s show, we all walked to the parking garage where we stumbled upon an unopened, tamper evident and factory sealed glass bottle of Starbucks iced coffee which I proceeded to open and drink.

Was it my proudest moment? No. In fact, I advise against drinking any random, unattended beverage found in public. But, based Abe’s theatrical overreaction to start the show, you’d think I remade 2 Girls, 1 Cup with our moms.

I learned that anyone who asks “but what if you died?” more than 12 times, either wants you to snap or is kinda wishing you had died to make their story more exciting.

Just think, Abe, if I was killed by that enemy-planted, poisonous coffee-bomb, as you insinuated, I wouldn’t be here to log this entry into the Bass Quotebook: “Even I’ve never eaten or drinken anything I found in public.”

I know what you’re all thinking — that smug, elitist prick is gonna bury Bass’ dumb ass for saying a made-up word like “drinken” instead of drank. You’re assuming that I’m leading to some pretentious joke about Bass speaking worse English than a deaf foreign exchange student without a tongue. Wrong. In fact, I’m not even going to comment on his continued inability to grasp the most basic 1st grade concept of verb tense. Instead, I’ll encourage Bass — who would never lower himself to my wretched level — to direct his attention to the following passage from Manno’s Memo dated November 24, 2012:

We talked about Bass’ public manners sinking to an all time low this week. The four of us had dinner at a nice Mexican restaurant and, mid-meal, Bass began scooping guacamole off of an empty table. Even more disturbing is that he saw nothing strange about it. Why? His words: “the people at that table looked clean.”

Sorry to ruin your fake outrage, Little Orphan Bass, but I knew I’d find a reason to post every Memo at abekanan.com!

Abe revealed that Bass regularly sends messages suggesting they rip on me more often. Which I get. If I were Bass, I’d do the same thing. But apparently tonight’s lengthy ball-bust wasn’t enough to quench his titanic thirst…

Bass was so eager to keep the red laser off of his own forehead, that he fired another round of embarrassment my way — he relished the chance to call me out on sharting 2 weeks ago! Now, if that sounded familiar, that’s because I voluntarily shared the entire story (and shame) 4 episodes ago.

Bass — for future reference, when someone says, “Guys, I shit my pants,” it doesn’t burn when you follow with, “Oh yeah? What if I tell everyone that you shit your pants?”

Listener Todd piled on by expressing his hatred for “intellectual snobs like Ryan.” Finally, the first shot of the night that actually made me step back and think, “Oh my God, he’s right. I am an intellectual snob. Ryan, you’re pushing away regular guys like Todd with all your highbrow talk of drinking coffee you found on the ground and pooping in your pants. Dumb it down, Harvard, dumb it down.”

Not to mention, it’s clear to anyone who’s heard more than 2 episodes of this show that Sam Kanan is the real intellectual snob of this operation! Straight as an arrow, this guy. A constant stickler for rules. Everything has to be all factually accurate. I mean, would it kill you to loosen up, Sam? Just once?

And now.. an entry from the Sam Kanan Quotebook: “Bass, I’d love to take a look at your penis. I mean it. I want to see it. Why won’t you let me just look at it?” See? Snobbery.

Despite Sam’s strongest pleas, Bass wasn’t interested. He’s not showing anyone his penis. And he’s definitely not pursuing a career in porn, as Abe’s been suggesting. He stood firm: “Not for a million dollars.” Buuuut.. you come at him with $100,000 and he’s listening.

We touched on the unfortunate situation concerning Paris Jackson. Thankfully, she’s said to be “mentally fine and recovering.” But we assume she’s only “mentally fine” because visitors aren’t allowed on that floor. After she’s transferred, how long until Joe Jackson shows up disguised as a nurse? When he walks in with a crooked wig, holding a cup of jello and a request for more money, it’s right back to the edge for poor Paris.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m always Googling pictures of Joe Jackson.”

We learned that, after the passing of a loved one, if people call with condolences and more than half of the numbers show up as blocked, you’re probably a piece of shit.

According to Abe, Joe Jackson plans to seek money from the family trust to “buy me a new corn cob pipe for only $90,000.” I guess he’s been working on a pretty complex snowman for a few years.

And finally, after I made a reference to Criminal Minds.. Abe, who’s never even heard of the show, remarked that I watch the worst TV. He supported his point with, “Criminal Minds sounds like something Maude would watch at the nursing home.” For the record, the guy ripping my tastes is the same person who, during the last commercial break, asked, with a straight face and serious tone, if we saw how much weight Rob Kardashian has lost.

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