Thursday, March 07, 2013

We wasted no time in filing a gem in the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I’m known for being brave. I’m known for my courage. If this were the Wizard of Oz, I definitely wouldn’t be the cowardly lion. Wait… is he the…? Yeah, he needed courage.”

That was Abe’s roundabout way of admitting that he’s legitimately concerned over North Korea’s latest empty threat of death & destruction. Kim Jong Un says he’s nuking us. Only this time, he’s suuuper serious, you guys! Abe, this clown makes Wil E. Coyote look like Jason Bourne. Please don’t lose sleep over this.

To be fair, Abe was basing a lot of his fear on Un’s list of demands. As always, we had the exclusive audio, which was taped earlier today in Pyongyang. KJU is asking America for every pair of Jordan’s in existence (size 5.5 and 6). He’s demanding that LeBron James show up with a case of Doritos Locos tacos. Can’t fault him there.. those are really good. Also, President Obama has to go on national TV and say “Kim Jong Un is coooooo.” He’s additionally demanding that Kim Kardashian shoot a sex tape with him. And of course, his “special friend” Dennis Rodman must return at once, to live happily ever after.

It’s quite a list — reminds me of the hostage negotiation in “Airheads.” Alas, the clock is ticking & we have a mere eight hours to fulfill his requests. If we do, he’ll throw his weapons in the sea. Thus far, the only one that we KNOW is a go is the Kim-on-Kim sex tape.

According to Abe Kanan, these are the “finer things in life,” that he believes Dennis Rodman enjoyed during his recent visit to North Korea: “Pussy…. sushi…… gold….. lobster.”

Really, all the little tyrant wants is to play Shaq in H-O-R-S-E, stage a photo dunking on David Robinson & hold hands with Rodman forever. Let’s give it to him! I mean, who among us would beg Dennis to stay? He’s been circling the drain with Dustin Diamond for a decade. Bon voyage!

We learned that Saddam Hussein stole his last wife from Carmelo Anthony, though that hasn’t been fact-checked.

After that nonsense, we were joined by Jason Mewes, Jay of “Jay & Silent Bob.” It’s been a minute since I’ve heard him speak, but has he always sounded like Scotty Ferrall with a throatful of asbestos? Kids — don’t do drugs! On to the highlights:

  • If you go to their upcoming “Groovy Movie” Spring tour, Jay claims that 3-4 people a night will be picked from the audience to simulate sex with Jay & Silent Bob on stage. Personally, I don’t know that I’d lead with that in my hard sell for the tour. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s not an add-on I would choose.
  • Don’t be an a-hole and offer Jay opiates… without also offering coke. Everyone knows that he can’t do opiates without coke.
  • In all sincerity, he’s closing in on three years of sobriety! Definitely deserves some serious props on keeping clean. Though, he shared that he still has fond memories of burying syringes between his buttcheeks before getting on airplanes.
  • Jay gave us a little behind-the-scenes insight on “Zack & Miri Make a Porno.” He told us, and you’re never gonna believe this, that he actually enjoyed shooting the sex scenes! Crazy, right? Even crazier — he particularly loved the threesome.
  • Oh, and he quickly mentioned that he pooped his pants. He said, “Or like the time I pooped my pants.” Not sure how we let that one slide without asking for more info, but Jason Mewes recently pooped his pants.

From the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Thank God for technology. Everyone talks crap about technology….” Abe, who the hell do you hang out with? Zip & Clink down at the Elks Lodge? They’re still complaining about blacks voting. No one’s talking crap about technology.

One final note on Jason Mewes — as if the guy hasn’t been thru enough misery in his life. Born addicted to drugs because his Mom couldn’t kick heroin during her pregnancy. Same Mom later died of AIDS. Followed by years and years of his own addiction taking a mental, physical, personal & professional toll on Jay. And just when he emerges from the darkness, along comes Abe Kanan to relentlessly remind him that “Clerks” is 20 years old with quotes like, “Man, this makes me feel old.” And “I just can’t believe it’s so damn old.” Or “Do you ever think about how old this is?”

Next up — Hatebreed frontman, Jamey Jasta, who I think we all could’ve talked to for another two hours. Especially Abe! Do you guys have any idea how infrequently Abe can mention Danzig twice in one interview and not be buried? If Jamey Jasta wasn’t on the phone, he would’ve been booed out of the studio. This was Abe’s Burning Man. No rules. No fear. No judgment. It was perect. A few other highlights:

  • Anyone else find it funny to hear Jamey talk about going to Madison Square Garden for the Ed Sheeran show? I’m guessing that pit never quite got going.
  • We talked about Disturbed’s David Draiman. He’s the ex-male nurse from Deerfield who decided to pierce his chin & talk like he’s hosting Medeviel Times while after, being lowered to the stage on a crucifix while wearing a straight-jacket. Apparently, Dave was always cool to Jamey & Hatebreed. So, we decided to pump the brakes a bit. But I did see David Draiman from Disturbed in Bed, Bath & Beyond… TWICE. Because when he’s not sleeping on a bed of nails, he likes a high thread count.
  • Also surprising? Joey Belladonna from Anthrax LOOOOVES Delta frequent flyer miles. Some things you’d just rather not know.
  • Jamey talked about the guys in their late 40s who he’s been seeing at more & more Hatebreed shows. They’re coming out of, what he calls, “mosh retirement.” They’re usually real easy to spot because… they’re the guys in their late 40s.
  • Despite the talk of aggression, Jamey did leave us with a message for the ladies: “Come to Hatebreed shows. Fewer women get groped here.”

From Jamey Jasta to Justin Credible. The former WWE & ECW wrestler joined us live to talk about the unfortunate passing of legendary manager Paul Bearer. Highlights:

  • Justin told us that Undertaker & Paul used to rent cars for him when he was 19. Justin would then repay them in cans of beer. The thought of Aldo Montoya passing a Stroh’s tallboy for Taker to share with Paul Bearer in the backseat of a Mazda… again, one of those things you wish you didn’t hear.
  • Justin says he’s keeping busy though. He’s dong the DDP Yoga program and running his new clothing line, Portuguese Mafia, which sells t-shirts for Portuguese guys. I hate to be “that guy,” buuuut someone’s birthday’s right around the corner, fellas! April 11th. I wear a Medium. Just saying.
  • And the Ryan Manno groaner of the evening: Rest in Peace, Paul Bearer… you’ve URNed it!

And finally, big congrats to Terry, leader of the Prison Squad, who won $200,000 on a scratch-off lottery ticket today! Naturally, he asked Abe to ask how to invest his money. Which Abe said he’d gladly handle thru a series of Twitter DMs. Terry, delete your Twitter and never call here again. Trust me.

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