Thursday, March 14, 2013

We started this thing up with a roundtable on the Cardinals’ new skipper — Pope Francis the 1st! Not only the first Francis, but the first Argentinian Pontiff. Wait.. Argentina? Great. Another job taken by a Latino.

We took turns inadvertently butchering Francis’ real name –- Jorge Bergoglio. Which, I pointed out, looks like it could be the Spanish word for “beer goggles.”

We touched on the fact that, despite being one of the most pristine, well-kept, gorgeous and expensive structures on Earth.. the Vatican should really consider a chimney upgrade. With all the global close-ups, that is one ghetto-ass looking stack! Looks like something Yosemite Sam would have on his Chillkoot Trail shanty.

The busted chimney might support Abe’s theory that the white smoke actually misfired. In our version, the Cardinals were all chillin’, watching The Steve Harvey Show, when Dopey Pope attempted to brew some afternoon tea. According to Abe, he “accidentally pressed the white smoke button instead of the hot water button,” leaving the Cardinals scrambling to elect someone in record time. Abe also maintains that the only feasible, fast solution was a Paper-Rock-Scissors tourney. If so, remember that you heard it here first — Francis is the first ever Pope appointed by a RoShamBo round robin.

We rolled right into another Papal exclusive; something you didn’t see when the networks stopped rolling today. The “dark match,” if you will. I’ll admit, it was pretty chilling to watch the playback. First, the church bells mysteriously turned to funeral gongs and, like clockwork, the house lights went black. When they came back up, The Undertaker was standing nose-to-nose with a bewildered Francis. Taker sent the Pope a bold message with the ol’ thumb-across-the-neck motion, before pointing to the WrestleMania sign. You obviously couldn’t see it over the radio, but Francis mouthed “20 and 1, Deadman.” Business is about to pick up, King.

We heard what it’d sound like if ex-Pantera frontman became Pope Anselmo the 1st — sips of communion wine were subbed out for Blacktooth shots, the offering was collected in a weathered cowboy hat and the sign of peace is now the devil horns. I sense the Catholics adjusting nicely to these changes.

Thankfully, UFC President Dana White jumped in to shelve our nonsense by talking UFC 158 — George St. Pierre vs. Nick Diaz!

We caught him for just a quick minute, but Dana sent a message to tranny tough guy girl, Fallon Fox, who has been dropping recent hints of wanting to join UFC: “I suggest Fallon beats someone with a winning record before even speaking the letters U, F & C.”

Dana responded to Tito Ortiz’ accidentally hilarious press conference — chances are you’ve heard us mock it the last few weeks. If not, YouTube and prepare to cringe. Dana’s thoughts? “I think Tito should hold a press conference every week.” Perfect.

We lubed up for a discussion about sex of the future, headlined by the announcement of a new his + hers device intended for nerds, long-distance relationships and nerds in long-distance relationships. Basically, both virgins hook up their unit to a USB port before hooking them up to the genitals. Once they’re all logging in, the horny losers proceed to have simulated sex with the help of high-tech sensors transmitting each other’s exact sensation to the other. If all goes accordingly, the guy will feel an accurate version of her vag, while she’s sitting on a digital duplicate of his dong — both experiencing what feels like the real thing. Only, it’s hard gray plastic hooked up to a Dell.

After all, what could possibly go wrong with your dick jammed in a machine?

I proposed that a guy who has both male and female parts, could realistically slip into his sheath while plugging her dildonic.. all in an attempt to literally go f— himself.

Which I’m guessing Abe might actually choose if the other option was to poke a pocket puss. For whatever reason, the concept of a portable vagina made Abe act like a young Guatemalan refugee seeing snow for the first time. He was floored at the sights and specifics. He even played our rarely used Breaking News intro when Cliff from Boston called in to “break the news” that he had previously used a pocket snatch. Ultimately, I feel bad for the next actual news story.

Not to be outdone by Cliff, listener Carter called to tell us about his turn with a pocket poon. Carter found it on the ground at work and, naturally, picked it up. The moment his boss left the room, Carter threw that silicon clam between two couch cushions and showed it who’s boss. It should also be noted that Carter was working at the time. In someone else’s home. As a water and stain damage technician. God bless you, Carter.

Our ol’ pal Al Roker Jr. called in because, apparently, he can sense whenever anyone is talking about degenerate sexual stuff. He’s essentially the Willy Wonka of filth; a true connoisseur of kinky contraptions, baskets, toys, racks, etc. Which is why we weren’t shocked when he cut an scripted live-read spot for Frank’s Fleshlight Warehouse. Thanks Roker — you continue to bridge the gap between charm and smarm!

Former Pantera Bassist Rex Brown joined us live, although I’m using the word “live” very loosely here. Homeboy’s blood alcohol content gave us a real nice “live from Baghdad” delay. I think he’s still answering our third queRstion.

Rex was, however, clear about one thing up front: “I’m not here to talk about Pantera. I’m here to talk about my new book.. about Pantera.”

I think, after hearing that one, we simultaneously realized this interview was a lost cause.. regardless of our best attempts.

And boy, oh boy, did it ever..

Rex said, “you gotta read the book” no fewer than 25 times. Tossed us another few curveballs with “buy the book” and “it’s in the book.” But the overall message was the same — he had no interest in answering a single queRstion.

Who’d have guessed that one of the baddest metal bassists in history would turn into a slurring-Don West hard-selling books?

To put it in perspective, I told the best Dimebag story of the whole 20-minute talk.. and I was essentially asking Rex if the tale was true. I guess that one wasn’t in the book?

Perhaps my favorite “abort” moment was when Rex asked Abe, point blank, “did you read the book?” Abe didn’t. And I didn’t want to be rude to Rex, but I also felt like pointing out that he clearly hasn’t listened to our show.. or he’d have known that Abe doesn’t do books.

After the Rex Brown fiasco, we touched on the mighty return of the Twinkie! Indeed, the only food on earth to possess nuclear survival skills will be back on shelves, under a different parent brand, this summer. I’m not seeing anything that says they’re gonna stop using embalming fluid as a base ingredient, so it looks like they’ll taste just as awful as you remember!

Bass, however, maintains that Twinkies are delicious. When we asked him to describe what makes them delicious, he couldn’t quite describe the flavor. Nor could he provide anything specific about what makes the taste enjoyable. Instead, Bass’ only defense was: “I ate them as a child!”

But as Sam quickly pointed out with this — the show’s finest final line in months — “But Bass.. you also ate your own shit as a child.”

Game. Set. Match.

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