Thursday, March 27, 2013

We kicked this sum’bitch off with an amusing (and 100% true) trip down memory lane. Back in 2003, Maroon 5 frontman, Adam Levine, showed up unannounced at our old radio station. He and his bandmates came bearing stacks of pizzas and some acoustic instruments, asking if he could sing a little ditty called Harder to Breathe while we ate our free lunch. Hindsight is, as always, 20/20.. but when he asked, “so, what’d you guys think?,” we shouldn’t have answered, “that the pizza could’ve been warmer.”

Our sensei Sludge jumped on to add yet another layer! Turns out, after the performance, Adam Levine gave Sludge his cell number and practically begged to hang out with the “bigshot radio deejay” later that night. Sludge promptly made a paper football out of the piece of paper, went straight home and opted for three gyros over that thirsty ass musician. Now? Sludge is walking around Philly wearing a sandwich board that says “10 COOOO SALUTE! Ring a bell..? … Anyone?” Point, Levine.

We transitioned into a talk about Chumlee from Pawn Stars. In Abe’s private parallel universe of meaningless mind pollution, he educated us on an apparent groundswell movement to hate on poor Chumlee. According to Abe, “everyone is talking shit about Chumlee, saying he doesn’t deserve his money, his hot girlfriend or the implants he bought her.” Well, I stand corrected. Looks like it’s time to choose sides here, fellas.

As Sam astutely pointed out — whenever Abe says “Everyone says/thinks (insert nonsense here),” the word “everyone” is simply code for “Abe Kanan.”

After the Chumlee dust settled tonight, it seems the only guy keeping a cool head over the drama is his boss, Rick Harrison. I overheard him say, “Ya know, I’d like to offer my opinion, but I want to be sure his girlfriend’s breasts are, in fact, real saline implants. Do you mind if I call in a buddy to take a look at them..?”

After a 30+ minute rant on Chumlee’s Instagram naysayers, Abe started his descent and circling his whole point. His conclusion was.. “that the bottom line.. is the main point.. and the only thing that matters about what he’s trying to say.. is that the final word.. was the real bottom line.” Dude. Get. A. Grip. I’ve never seen it before, but Abe turned into one of those wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men. Abe, if I may — the bottom line here.. is that you desperately need to find some new things to care about.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “If you want to eat more food.. go buy more food.” God, you’re like the compassionate superspawn of Gandhi and Mother Theresa.

We jumped into sports, and discussed the fact that our very own Bass attended last night’s huge Bulls win over the Heat, snapping Miami’s streak of 27-straight wins. Exciting indeed, and Bass’ big night got even bigger when he ended up in the Heat’s locker room, scoring some one-on-one, post-game time with Lebron James. WTF? This is so clutch, fellas. Certainly the hottest Abe Kanan Show exclusive we’ve had all year! So.. let’s hear it Bass! What’d you get? Let’s hear the interview!

What’s that, Bass? You didn’t what?

Eh, it’s better in his own words: “Well, I asked him if he still had that gold iPhone. I actually ask him that every time I see him. Anyway, he told me that he got rid of it seven years ago and hasn’t had it the last 14 times I’ve asked him. He’s all lined up with Samsung now. And yeah, that’s when my interview time was up.”

Bravo, sir. Brrrravo!

Bass sorta redeemed himself by telling us about the secret locker room practice of athletes going “off the record” with a roomful of journalists (and Bass). Basically, after all the PC answers and tired clich├ęs, these guys insist that everyone reporter stop recording and repeating nothing from that point on. Bass stayed guarded about the specifics, but I’ve gathered that they tell dead baby jokes while freebasing crack and placing bets on cock fights.

After that insight, we all rose for the honorable judge Abe Kanan, presiding. Our magistrate issued his preemptive ruling on Oscar Pistorius, despite having virtually zero facts about what actually happened when he fatally shot his girlfriend. The South African courts have bravely dared to anger Abe Kanan by lifting Oscar’s “no travel” restrictions, allowing him to travel for races and training, in the time before his trial. Based on all of his guarantees, Abe was apparently sitting on Oscar’s couch when the whole mess unfolded. He was there. Saw it all. Which is why Judge Abe has ruled guilty.

This is sad — we learned that Abe’s poor experience living in Miami was, in fact, a simple combination of depression and allergies. Sheesh, I almost can’t make fun of you after that. But I assume the depression crept in shortly after Abe learned he was allergic to an awesome fu—-g time in the sunlight!

While on the subject of Miami, we mentioned that you may get a call from the Marlins this week. If so, they’re probably just looking to sell you a magazine subscription or knife set. In return, they’ll actually let you sit in the dugout during every game this year. Might even let you suit up and throw a few innings. Financials are looking grim for the team, so really.. if you want like $400 worth of Marlins tickets and merchandise, hit Groupon. They’re running a Liquidation Sale before the season even starts. Everything must gooooo!

Of course, none of this would happen if Abe had his way. Throw this one in the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I really need to run every sport.”

Hard to top Abe’s ridiculousness, sometimes, but Bass made a run at it. Enjoy these parting words from the Sexxx chapter of the Bass Quotebook: “Believe me, guys, all the chicks at the University of Arizona are.. wonderful. They’re just wonderful.” Preach, pimp nasty! That’s first-hand knowledge, right? Of course it is. You dog.

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